An Open Letter to My Ex

An Open Letter to My Ex

by February 1, 2016
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Dear Ex,
It’s been a couple of years since we spoke and although our last interaction didn’t end on the best terms, looking back, it was needed for me to evolve to the point of writing this open letter.

It seems that as human souls, regardless of the amount of people that have lived before us, showing examples of what to do and what to avoid, we still must fall into holes in life. We then feel a lack of hope and learn to conquer the hole to emerge more mature than when we fell in. Why is this? Because for the majority of people, pain and maturity walk in hand. These are known as growing pains.

We all have moments in our lives that change the direction of where we are going and define who we are in this life. Marriage, death, the birth of a child, divorce, these are all life changing events that redirect our path in a different direction. The experience of these events embeds deep within our soul, for better or for worse.

One night while listening to Drake’s “Doing It Wrong,” I decided to begin this letter. The lyrics of this song spoke to the heart of what I think of you, us and why we ended up here.

But I need someone different

You know it, oh oh, you know it

Oh oh, you know it, we both know it

I need someone different

You know it, oh ho, you know it

Oh oh, you know it, we both know it

Something’s been missing

I always felt that it was you who needed someone different, but it was I. Although the events of your infidelity prompted dissatisfaction in our marriage to the point of divorce, and it’s easy to blame you for everything that has happened since then, I have finally realized the someone different I wanted was…ME. I never really knew who “I” was; separate from being defined as yours. Was something missing? LOVE? Yes, but not from you or any man, from ME.

Being on the other side of “through with you” has made me reflect back on the fact that “I” was not entirely present in our marriage because I didn’t even know me. And not knowing me caused me to link to you, which caused me to see the holes within myself that you weren’t fulfilling. It made me dissatisfied like Drake, thinking that I needed to find someone else, but I all I needed was me.

I remembered days when all I wanted was for you to love me unconditionally. I functioned mentally in a state of fear and in competition, trying to beat out all the rest. I altered who I was just to be the best, just for you to choose me. In the end, I won the prize, or at least I thought I did, but at night when I would lay next to you, the loneliness hung over me like a cloud.

For years, I tried so hard to keep you that I couldn’t see me. I didn’t want you to be with her, her and her; I wanted you to be with me. How could you be here, yet so far away? You never really appreciated my worth, and yet I kept fighting to hold on to a feeling that was never real because you were still growing, just like me.

So, I want to let you know I forgive you for the hurt, for cheating on me, for being selfish even when I gave my all. Thank you for moving in with her, for letting her sleep in our bed, cook in our kitchen, for placing her before me because it caused me to find a LOVE that is deep and fulfilling within myself.

Although this letter is to forgive you, more importantly, it’s to forgive me. It’s interesting to know that the woman you consistently made feel insecure has grown into what I see in the mirror. Now I understand, I needed you, you were a soulmate to me, you pushed me, unbeknownst to yourself, to emerge as the Single Black Rebel Soul Chick you see. You made me understand what “real love” is, how to recognize it and how I needed to love me before I could ever love someone else. I could not have done it without the pain you induced, which labored into the birth of me. Now I am ready for him, and when I meet him, he will also show you gratitude because without you, there could be no “HE” and thereby no “WE,” so thank you for allowing the universe to push me into the arms of “ME.”

Your ex-wife,

The chick formerly known as Artavia


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  1. The Colourgurl
    #1 The Colourgurl 26 February, 2016, 11:05

    Wow! I felt every single word of your letter. Bravo to you for coming out of the other side of through a wiser and more fulfilled and complete woman.

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